That's it. That's all that fertilized.
Out of my 9 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature. Only half fertilized with ICSI.
ICSI fertilization rates are normally in the 70 to 80% range, so clearly something is seriously wrong with my eggs. All this time I'd had an illusion in my head that maybe my eggs weren't so bad, and if they could just get M's sperm inside them then things would be fine.
You see, M's male factor has to do with abnormal acrosomes, which is (as my RE explained it) the little drill that the sperm uses to break into the egg and fertilize it. If that drill malfunctions, the sperm just can't get in and it's game over. During his fancy shmancy sperm analysis, only 15% of M's sperm had normal acrosomes. Not that I doubted that my DOR and likely poor egg quality played a role, but I held out hope that maybe the sperm just needed a little help getting in there and ICSI would fix everything.
I'm trying so very, very hard to remember that if I'd only had four eggs retrieved in the first place, I'd think that having four fertilized eggs was the best thing in the world. And that yes, it only takes one (damn me for picking that blog name!)
But statistically, only 30% of fertilized eggs make it to blastocyst stage (the internets say so here). Since we can't do a fresh transfer this time around, those embryos need to become blasts so they can be frozen for a future FET. At 30%, that means we're only likely to have one after all. If we have any. At this point, I'm going down a negative thought spiral and while I managed to hold off crying at work, the dam has now burst and I just feel like this whole cycle is doomed to failure.
It's going to be a very fucking long five days.