Yeah, I've been a pretty shit blogger lately. It actually has surprisingly little to do with the aftermath of my chemical pregnancy or my mom's breast cancer diagnosis, and much more to do with the fact that I've been having a crap time at work. But more about that in a sec. First, some nice things that have happened in the last little while:
- I would be incredibly remiss if I didn't thank the wonderful Jane Allen of Mine To Command for the lovely flowers she sent me to cheer me up after my chemical. How could I not smile coming home to these every day? Thank you so much, Jane. You rock.
|Bloggy friends are the best friends!|
- I booked a trip home to see my family. I haven't seen them since this past summer, and with all that's been going on it just felt like a good time to go. The best part is that I'm keeping it a secret (my dad is my only co-conspirator) so it will be a great surprise for my mom, sister and niece.
- I did one of those stupid quizzes that keeps popping up on my Facebook page. You know, the "Which X movie/TV show character are you?" ones. Except this one was "Which Joss Whedon heroine are you?" and I got Faith from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Which is fucking awesome, because everyone knows she's the best one. No, really. You got River Tam? Bitch, please.
Now, back to ranting. Face it, you know you come here for my rants. Over the past couple of weeks, my bullshit tolerance level has sunk to an all-time low of zero. I chalk it up to the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of pretty heavy stuff in my personal life, so I don't have a great deal of patience or sympathy for things like stupid drivers and workplace politics. Sorry not sorry, but all of my emotional resources are tied up. Looking for someone to give a fuck? Look somewhere else.
Work in particular has been testing my resolve not to spontaneously punch people in the face. Coinciding with this past FET cycle I was working on a project that was micromanaged to within an inch of its life, resulting in all members of the team (not just me) ending up feeling incredibly disenfranchised and disgruntled. It was a struggle just making it through the day without a) yelling at someone or b) bursting into tears. Often, both happened anyway. Unfortunately, this also resulted in me being a terribly inconsistent commenter on other blogs. On good days I tried pretty hard to still be there for my bloggy friends, but on bad days I literally did not even have the emotional energy to churn out a "good luck this cycle!" and for that, I apologize.
Anyway, earlier this week things came to a head. First of all, because I now give absolutely zero fucks, I approached one particular problem at work in a somewhat reckless manner that could have blown up in my face pretty badly. Lucky for me things worked out and we achieved the result we wanted, but it was a decision based purely on the fact that I was in a horrible mood when I made it. The reason I was in said horrible mood had to do with the fact that earlier in the day, I had attended a meeting where I basically gave voice to all of the negative feelings that had arisen on the micromanaged project. And by "gave voice to", I really mean "spewed my displeasure in a Pompeii-like flow of vitriol at the very people who did the micromanaging". It wasn't well received (read: stunned looks and dead silence followed by change of subject), because no one likes to be told how much they suck. But a number of other employees made a point of coming to me afterwards and thanking me for my comments because they agreed that, even if they don't change anything, they needed to be said.
|I've been dying for a reason to use this gif|
In all seriousness, the past few weeks have highlighted to me that for me personally, the "anger" stage of grief is the one that I tend to get stuck in the most. It's weird because I feel as if I've genuinely reached acceptance of the fact that I can't have a biological child, but I keep backtracking to anger on the stupidest things regardless. There's a lot here that I should probably just save for a separate post, but suffice it to say that it's probably no shocker that I came out as Faith on the Joss Whedon quiz. Which I still think is awesome. But yeah, girl's got anger issues.